My Birth Story with Duke

My birth story with Duke started differently than Otis. With Otis I went into labor on my own and with Duke I was induced 1 week before my due date. Both were equally incredible experiences. I feel these moments are forever embedded into my memory. What a time to be pregnant during a global pandemic because of Covid-19 and also deliver a baby during this time. I will say my experience at the hospital was incredible and we felt 100% cared for and safe. Keep reading below for the story of Duke’s birthday.

Leading up to birth

Let’s rewind back to my 37 week appointment. At this appointment, I had my first cervix check and was at 2cm dilated, 70% effaced, and -2 station. My doctor also discussed with me that she wanted to induce me 1 week early at 39 weeks based on my 2 risk factors being age and IVF. Since I was already dilated and progressing on my own, we both agreed that induction would be a great option since my body was already naturally preparing for birth as well. WILD!! I didn’t think we would be scheduling an induction but I felt comfortable knowing my body was already on its way. At my 38 week appointment, I was at 3cm dilated, 70% effaced and -2 station but with a very engaged head. My dr gently stretched my cervix (not a full membrane sweep) to help get things rolling. I was starting to get excited and nervous at the same time wondering if the baby was going to show up before my induction or not! Otis was 4 days early but I was much more dilated this time earlier so it was all up in the air. I think because the idea of induction being different from going into labor naturally was a new idea for me, I was a bit more nervous leading up to it. But, it was also a very great thing to have the luxury of planning with Otis and to prep him for birth and us being away. The night I came home from my 38 week appointment and cervix stretch, I lost my mucus plug. So the wait was on and luckily I made it to my induction date! 

July 7, 2021 / 12:30 AM – Induction 

Our induction was scheduled for 12:30 AM on 7/7/21 so basically the middle of the night. I had to call 2 hours ahead of time to make sure they had beds available and confirm we could come in. So we called at 10:30 and crossed our fingers and were happy to find out, IT WAS GAME TIME. Our friend came over to swap in for Otis duty and we grabbed our hospital bags and we were OFF! Since we were vaccinated, we did not need to do a covid test for the hospital so that was very nice. If so, we would have done one in advance of our induction.

Since last time I was in active labor, going to the hospital not in active labor was different. I was also strep b positive, I needed to get my IV right away to start my antibiotics to protect baby before birth. So by 1:17am, my IV was done and they had drawn my blood for our cord blood kit (we did CBR again to collect cord blood and tissue and we did the same with Otis.) We then waited to finish some antibiotics before starting anything else. At this point, I was 3.5 cm dilated and 80% effaced. A nice thing was because we were both vaccinated, we didn’t have to wear a mask in our delivery or postpartum rooms. Only when we were in the hospital hallways. Since the rules were constantly changing I didn’t know what to expect but that was a nice surprise.

July 7, 2021 / 2:37 AM – PItocin

We started my pitocin at 2:37 am. This was the medication that would jump start my contractions to continue my dilation and get labor started etc. I wasn’t feeling much for a while. Just waiting… to see when things would pick up. At 3:27 am they increased my pitocin. I started to feel contractions but nothing major and mostly just discomfort. At 6:06 am, we increased my pitocin again. I was contracting every 3-4 minutes and feeling them more and was not able to rest at all at this point from the discomfort. I was still around the same dilation etc and the nurses informed me that anesthesia was going into a planned c-section so the plan would be to call them in when they were finished. I was ready. My blood pressure was a little bit on the low side so the plan was to get some more fluids before anesthesia came to do my epidural. So at 8:07 am I got my last big dose of fluids before getting my epidural.

July 7, 2021 / 8:34 AM – Epidural 

I had ZERO birth plan except for deliver a healthy baby and have a healthy mama… and get the epidural if I could! So now that I was in alot of pain and discomfort, it was time to call in Anesthesia. I WAS READY. This time around, everything was going ok but while we were doing my actual epidural and he was placing everything properly, I started to feel like I was going to pass out. Since my blood pressure was so low, I was in bad shape. I thought I was going to pass out on the floor. This was the opposite of my first epidural experience with Otis but let me tell you, it was NOT fun. Finally everything was placed and in and I was just glad it was over. I had ice on my forehead and started to feel better. I was just happy to know my epidural was in and now it could GET BUSY.

July 7, 2021 / 9:20 AM – Break my water 

The laborist on call was able to come and break my water at this time. This is what would speed up and intensify my contractions to help dilate me quicker. Everything went fine and with my epidural, it was easy. No real pain just pressure and done.

July 7, 2021 / 10:05 AM – Cervix Check and Bloody Show 

Around this time, we did a cervix check and I was already at 5cm. So this was great news that I was progressing. I also had what they call my “bloody show” so the nurse said this was all good signs pointing toward labor. At this point, my contractions were starting to get way more intense and it was a little strange because I was feeling A LOT and still very uncomfortable. I told the nurses about it… didn’t think much of it. They pushed the button on my epidural to get some more medicine flowing. In hindsight, I should have called the anesthesiologist back. Basically my epidural was NOT working well… I mean maybe it was working a tiny bit.. But essentially I was still feeling everything. 

July 7, 2021 / 10:43 AM – OMG I am in so much pain 

Um wow. Things progressed VERY quickly. From 10:05 to 10:43 am I went to 8cm and 90% effaced and 0 station. I was feeling ALOT of pressure which is why the nurses checked me again. When I tell you I was in so much pain… I was gripping the bed basically laying sideways telling the nurse I didn’t think my epidural was working. The pain was INTENSE and I was moaning… it was.. Not how I envisioned feeling with my epidural. HA!

July 7, 2021 / 10:55 AM – GO TIME!!! 

I was feeling MISERABLE and in so much pain and had so much INTENSE pressure in my lady parts. I had to tell the nurse I literally felt like the baby was coming. They checked me again and she said, “YOU ARE READY!!!” Holy crap in 10 minutes I had gone to 10cm and was ready to push. At this point, I was having such intense pelvic pressure constantly. They called my dr to come immediately. She was at her office which was a 5 minute drive. The nurses were bustling around the room getting everything together. No one envisioned me getting to 10 cm this quickly so everyone was rushing to get things prepped and ready. We kept losing the baby’s heart rate on the monitor because he was just so low trying to get OUT. It was INSANE. I was basically holding my legs together afraid that the baby was literally going to come out. My epidural felt non existent and it was never able to catch up. I think at that moment, I realized that hey… this was happening whether or not my epidural was working. 

My dr arrived soon and I could barely focus at this point from the pain. Once she was ready and in position, I basically pushed for 3 contractions (each time pushing 3x) and baby was out in less than 5 minutes!! HOLY CRAP!!!!! Blake was trying to coach me to help me with my breathing and pushing because I just couldn’t focus so I feel I likely could have pushed him out faster if I was more focused but WOW. He came so fast and all of a sudden… he was here!!!!!!!!! 

July 7, 2021 / 11:20 AM – Happy Birthday Duke Ray Lapides 

Duke Ray Lapides was born at 11:20 am at 7lbs 4oz and 19 inches long. His cord was wrapped around his neck when he came out but my dr worked fast and all of sudden my baby was on my chest and I am telling you whether you have had a baby before, it’s one of the most life changing, mind blowing things to ever happen to me. Ever. The shock of baby finally being on the outside, here, breathing and moving on my chest… it’s just one of my life’s most powerful moments. I had a very small tear so after delivering the placenta, I got stitched up and then we were done.

Recovery

We got to snuggle our special guy for some uninterrupted time before the nurses came back to measure him, and do their tests etc. We got rolled to our recovery room and I was able to breastfeed right away which was incredible. The second time around I felt a sense of calm and confidence when it came to approaching breastfeeding and it went so smoothly and I am SO thankful that it did. I will say that the uterus cramping second time around was a lot more intense. Especially when breastfeeding the cramps were really bad. I made sure to constantly stay on top of my pain meds (rotating motrin and tylenol) and not miss any doses. Second time around though, we were ready to get home to Otis. We stayed in the hospital for a little over 24 hours to ensure Baby Duke was healthy and ready and I was medically cleared. 

After being home, I stayed consistent with my pain meds and for the first 2 weeks the pain and cramping was worse than I remembered with Otis. But it was all signs that my uterus was shrinking back down to its normal size. I actually stopped bleeding between 2 to 3 weeks postpartum which was amazing. All in all the worst part of the recovery tends to be a quick blur thankfully at least for me. I had to include this side by side picture of Otis and Duke in the hospital. Love seeing how similar their sweet faces were at that newborn moment!

So there you have it. Happy Birthday sweet little Duke. After the years of struggling with fertility, I have this overwhelming sense of peace leaving that chapter behind us and moving forward with our lives. This past week I was able to stop by my fertility clinic with notes and a small gift physically and figuratively say goodbye to this intense chapter in our lives. It has been filled with some of the darkest moments of my life, but also some of my brightest. I will forever be grateful to modern medicine for aiding us in our journey to become a family of 4. For anyone struggling with infertility, my heart aches with you. I know it’s a tough road no matter what your struggles are but I want you to know you are not alone. Linking my IVF related articles below. I shared a pretty in depth look at our process and I hope it might help to support you if you need it.

I wrote a few posts on infertility and IVF and you can find them below:

IVF 1 

IVF 2 

IVF 3

Prepping for FET (frozen embryo transfer)

Preparing for IVF egg retrieval 

How to support a friend going through IVF

IVF book resources

Covid-19 Cancelled My Embryo Transfer

Failed IVF Frozen Embryo Transfer

FAILED FROZEN EMBRYO TRANSFER #3 – FAILED IVF

IVF FET ROUND 4 (THIRD TIMES THE CHARM) IM PREGNANT!

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Riddled with Wonder: How to Incorporate Koan Meditation into Your Practice and Your Life

By Dr. Kaiya Ansorge

What is a koan?

A koan is a phrase or word that is used in meditation to train the mind. Usually, the koan is somewhat puzzling in order to invite the mind to open in unusual ways. In fact, the term is often translated as “riddle.”

Koan literature involves enigmatic sayings or questions that, when meditated upon continuously, are meant to resolve in specific ways that indicate the path of insight for the initiate. On the other hand, other traditions assert that koans are not meant to be resolved but are instead ways to open us to a contemplative relationship with ephemera in the mind—rather than rational, problem-solving approaches.

The history and development of koan meditation is complex and reaches back to ancient China. However, this form of meditation can be modified to help those of us who are not planning to become Buddhist monks or scholars. We can use koans in their original formulations, or we can develop forms inspired by that practice but that are applicable and relevant to modern life, such as video meditations.

Why practice koan meditation?

The main reason to practice koan meditation is because we all practice it every day without awareness that we are doing so. All of us have thoughts—even if we think in images. These thoughts function in much the same way as a koan. Whether we consciously choose our thoughts or we unconsciously do so, we are in a continual process of training our minds. The stories and thoughts that we tell ourselves are the ones that we increasingly believe. Koan meditation brings our awareness to this process and invites us to explore further. Koan meditation slowly teaches us how to choose, question, and transform our perception of the world. However, this is not hypnosis: rather than putting us to sleep, koan practice wakes us up to a larger, more beautiful reality.

Some traditions assign a lifelong koan. The cognate of this for non-monastics is that each of us is “assigned” a specific dilemma or approach to life at birth or through early trauma/socialization. Most of us will have more than one koan that has arrived and situated itself in our preconscious mind. These range from “you are not good enough,” “you are too much,” even “I hate you,” or “you shouldn’t have been born” all the way to “freedom,” “love,” “joy,” or “you are made of love.” These voices within our mind can be explored and dismantled if they are detrimental and then replaced by ones that are natural to the divine nature within each of us. The degrading messages are always from an early hurt. The messages that feel freeing—or like a peaceful home—are the ones that are true to our nature.

How can you incorporate koan meditation into your practice?

Steps for koan meditation

1. Choose how you would like to practice. Would you like to do a seated, lying down, or walking meditation? You may even choose a non-traditionally Buddhist practice such as swimming or writing meditation. Many Buddhists use koans as a continual contemplation throughout their regular daily activities.

2. Choose a koan. You may use a traditional koan such as “What is the sound of one hand clapping?” Or you may want to try koans you discover via a source such as Moti Media’s video series on koan meditation. Or you may choose a poem or a phrase that you want to move from your mind to your entire being. Affirmations and prayers are potent with this practice.

Here is a list of koan sources and ideas:

– Traditional sources are the “Blue Cliff Record” (Pi-yen lu) and “The Gateless Gate” (Wu-men kuan).

– Poems by Mary Oliver are especially helpful for those who practice in nature.

– Choose prayers from your religious background or, even better, from another religion in order to expand your consciousness and challenge it in a way that mystify you and open you to new vistas.

– A new way to engage koan meditation is through short exploratory videos such as “What’s There?” “Pursuit of Heavens,” and “Cycle.”

3. Gently rest your mind on your chosen koan as you meditate.

4. When you notice your mind drifting from the koan, you may follow the thoughts but with awareness, or you may return your thoughts gently to the koan. I find it helpful to mix these two approaches: as my mind explores the trajectories of the koan I watch, but if I find myself wandering off-topic or toward judgmental trajectories, I acknowledge the stray thoughts, thank them, and return to the koan.

5. As you watch your thoughts around the koan, allow yourself to notice those thoughts while cultivating interest and releasing judgment. Rhythmic, gentle breathing helps us transition our judgmental or anxious thoughts into a pattern of calming embrace and release.

6. As you close your session, offer gratitude or love to the koan, to your mind, and finally to your body for this session.

Life is made of koans. These koans come to us in the form of personal, interpersonal, and cultural tensions and puzzles. By learning how to work with koans in meditation, we begin to translate our approach to the challenges of our own lives through this lens. Koan practice also trains our minds to be flexible and creative, thus imparting flexibility and creativity towards our lives as challenges arise. This type of mindfulness-training delivers us into an unexpected curiosity, freedom, and joy in the midst of life’s dilemmas and challenges: in other words, we become riddled with wonder.

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Editor’s note: This is a guest post by Dr. Kaiya Ansorge. Kaiya is academically trained in psychology, philosophical theology, and religion. She teaches at the University of South Dakota. Because Kaiya loves to explore the spirituality of place, she has lived, studied, written, and traveled her way through 24 countries, spread across 5 continents. Her previous works include The Nature of Miracle, The Relationship between the Word and the Thing, “How to Use the 7 Chakras to Get in Touch with Personal Vitality,” and “Ascension: a Different Kind of Gravity.” Kaiya has appeared in Theology Today, Daily Cup of Yoga, Your Motivational High 5, and on Sunny 93.3, South Dakota Public Radio, and KELO-TV. You can find her through her website or through Facebook.

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Out of the Darkness and Into the Light: How My Military Transition Helped My Yoga Practice in the Pandemic

By Alicia Dill

Starting in 2013, I’ve been practicing regularly at the same hot yoga studio two to three times per week. Hot yoga gives me intensity, focus, mindfulness, and dripping heat you feel in your bones even in the dead of winter. While holding a complicated pose well past your comfort zone, you start to comprehend all those buzzwords you’ve heard tossed around. The point where you are working mind, body, and soul. Where you forget your own name and everything else that led you to the class because if you waver, you might fall down in a puddle of sweat. It’s a glorious way to exercise the warrior that needs to push to the edge and just flow. So my confession of the pandemic…I haven’t stepped foot inside a yoga studio since March 2020. That’s crazy talk!

Just writing about it, I’m aching to be back. But the other part of me says, I’m not ready. And I’m giving myself the space to be ready. To be clear, I’m all about the yoga, and the heat, but I’m not ready to practice with other people again. Because throughout the past year and some months, I’ve been in my room, exploring different yoga routines remotely, sometimes cold, never breaking a sweat or remembering to breathe deeply. A very different sort of yoga than my group sessions. And as a former soldier, it reminded me of another time in my life, transitioning out of the military into the civilian world. Here are a few ways I used my military experience to keep me motivated on my mat:

It’s a Group Thing Until It’s Not

Group exercise is common in the military. It’s part of the success as our drill sergeants build us up into the fine specimens we all are. From the very beginning of our basic training, we learn to do things together and follow instructions. Running with a cadence helped me shave five whole minutes off my two-mile run, as I was filled with the baritone of the “Hard work, work,” echoed by a band of high-speed, low-drag trainees. In yoga, that energy builds throughout the class and even when I wanted to give up, I feel the collective will of others helping me through. “Lion’s breath,” anyone? I observe others manipulate their bodies into impossible beauty, and I find a way.

When it’s just me, I’m using a pre-recorded class to try and build that energy. It’s harder to go it alone, whether running or practicing yoga. Once I started, I could keep going and I could increase the intensity if that was the right thing for me. This was the Starbucks of Yoga, where I could customize exactly what I had in me to do that day. And I did. To be clear, I had to use every ounce of what I learned with technique from my other teachers to avoid injuries at home and overdoing it. But overdoing it wasn’t usually my issue―it was half-hearted under-doing it.

I remember my instructors from my studio classes saying “Leave it all on the floor.” I was used to a puddle. Now without it, on those cold winter days, I had to remind myself of what exactly I left on the mat and I didn’t have to pick it up. In the height of the pandemic, a lot of nervous anxiety and not knowing what was next. Thank you, yoga! Just like in the transition from the Army, we may be going it alone at times, but the lessons we learned together can still carry us through. Just showing up was the hardest step for me.

Adapt to New Surroundings

Swearing in to the Army, I learned the mantra “hurry up and wait.” Closely followed by, “embrace the suck.” I did both during this past year. I specifically used the ability to adjust to my work-from-home job and maintain a daily activity schedule. This wasn’t my first rodeo working out solo with apps. Before the pandemic, I traveled a lot for work and used various apps for whatever workout I was going to do. Yoga is the perfect post-flight activity in a hotel room. I already paid for a subscription to multiple platforms because I get bored easily. But in quarantine, working out remotely every day made this much harder. I signed into studios I attended in multiple states. I did guided meditations. I worked out outside a lot.

Yoga HIIT/ Sculpt meant tiring out quickly then laying down with 15-minute savasana staring up at blue skies and the puffiest of clouds. My favorite location was the abandoned Gaga ball pit I dubbed the “Octagon” at a nearby school with a softer pad for my knees.

Yin yoga became a way to relieve the pressure on joints from my stand-up desk and the new arrangement working from home. I bought a cushion to ensure it was a studio-like experience and I could fully relax into the dull pain.

Yoga Nidra was me finding that safe place I can go to in my mind at any time with guided meditation. For those who need the mental health benefits more than anything else, this was pure rejuvenation—and I do not write that word lightly. It was beautiful restoration.

Community is Real – Virtual or Not

I wrote about how difficult it was going solo in my practice, but I wasn’t completely alone. Part of the way through the pandemic, I realized that I could start to follow some of my favorite yoga instructors on Instagram the same way I connected to my favorite veteran authors or creators. My community of yogis just opened up in the exact same way as my veteran community. As I started connecting with all their projects and free classes and meditations, I asked myself, Why hadn’t I thought of this before? My isolation in practice was an important step in understanding my own strength. But so was hearing how others were dealing with something similar when I finally connected to other yogis.

My yoga practice is a sacred thing where I connect to a very deep part of myself. Connecting to remote instructors outside of my local yoga community wasn’t something I thought of doing every day before the pandemic. With the success of connecting to other veterans, I needed this boost to grow with other virtual yoga community members―and why not with my veteran yoga community all at once? Now that’s synergy (the last buzzword, I promise!).

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Editor’s note: This is a guest post by Alicia Dill, an award-winning author, Army veteran, journalist, and yoga enthusiast. Originally from Missouri, Dill joined the Iowa Army National Guard at the age of 17, right before 9/11, and flew her first mission inside a Chinook helicopter as a journalist to Fort McCoy, Wisconsin, the weekend after the Twin Towers fell. Dill then received a degree in journalism and international studies at the University of Iowa and a masters from the University of Dubuque, and served as a public affairs specialist for the Iowa Army National Guard and then a journalist for multiple Iowa newspapers. As an author, she writes thrillers that draw from her military experience and speak to the strong bonds between sisters in uniform. Her first book, Squared Away, was a 2020 International Next Generation Indie Book Award winner and a finalist for the National Indie Excellence Award, and her second, Beyond Sacrifice, will be published September 7, 2021 from Circuit Breaker Books. For more, see www.aliciadill.com.

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Beach Picnic Baby Shower Sprinkle

For baby #2, I knew I would not do a big shower again but after everything we went through to get to this point, I know I wanted to celebrate this life we have worked so hard to create. My one friend had always envisioned a little beach picnic celebration and the idea kind of stuck as something we both dreamt about as I went through fertility treatment. With the pandemic still looming, I knew whatever I did would be a TINY outdoor celebration with my fully vaccinated friends (and sister). When I brought the idea up, my sweet friends just took over the party planning reins and surprised me with such a beautiful day.

They set up this chic little beach picnic with some of my favorite things. Sandwiches and food from my favorite french bakery, Cest Si Bon, charcuterie board from Charcutereats, and a cake and cookies from one of my favorite bakeries, SusieCakes. When I walked up to the the table though, the things that melted my heart was the table decor. My friend had Otis color some rainbows and used them as a decor element with some dried florals on the plates. MY HEART BURST. My photographer and dear friend Felicia also has a floral business called Anthurium Untold and did the floral design for the tables. PoppyJackShop did some of the other decor pieces as well which was special since she has been a part of many of my special events.

We ate, we laughed, and we stuck our toes in the sand. It was truly a perfect day celebrating this sweet little baby boy. Linking all the beautiful details below. Anything that I don’t link below are vintage pieces that my friends personal collection of decor.

Outfit Kim // Dress: LNA / cardigan: astars woman / sunglasses: rayban

Outfit Otis // shirt: old navy / shorts: target / hat: reytoz (EATSLEEPWEAR10 for 10% OFF ) / sunglasses: real shades

Outfit Blake // shirt: xx / shorts: xx / sunglasses: rayban

Event Details

Photography: Felicia / Florals: Anthurium Untold / Charcuterie: Charcutereats / Cake decor + sign: PoppyJackShop 

Food Area

Umbrella: Sunday supply co / wooden bamboo serving trays: target / salad bowl: target / salad tongs: cravings by Chrissy Teigen / marble board: bed bath & beyond / marble board: wayfair / wooden board: williams sonoma / small wooden bowls: amazon / peach bowl: target / small cheese knives: williams sonoma / large cheese knives: target / large wooden bowl: wayfair

Lounge Area

Umbrella: world market / white rug: amazon / jute rug: amazon / pillows: pottery barn, walmart / lounge chairs: home depot / poufs: amazon / coffee table: overstock / table runner: amazon / wooden rainbow favors: michaels / napkins: gearys beverly hills / glasses + plates: vintage

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